Somewhere along the path I got lost. My inner self that once felt so true has gotten carried away by golden bathrooms and cheap money gigs. I m just here to sell my soul. My art doesn’t pay no more or never has.
But the office job. All in one: buy a life and get one for free. Both you don’t really want.
It’s like automatic humanity.
Press the button and I will smile.
Somehow, I’ve been numbed so much of my social fake face that I forgot how to cry.
I could only press out three little tears after I said “Bye”.
I’ve lost my inner self somewhere in this magazine.
Put aside your hope- put aside your dreams. Take a deep breath and realize that this tape is endlessly full of a fun park. A fun park in the dark. You can pay your life away just for the sake of being on a roller coaster.
Darkness, here you are. Blinded do I feel from my own pure naivety. I speak two languages, but I can’t even communicate in either of them correctly. I have two passports, but I don’t want to live on either side.
My calling is where else…but right now I settle as a hamster. In a cave. Spinning the wheel.
I know I have to give up on everything in order to receive again the messages from my higher self that allows me to do good purpose on this earth. Right now, I am somewhat creating hypocrisy. I’ m somehow bluffing. Because I know that I am contributing to a truth that I don’t quite believe in.
And if you ask me what I believe in?
I could really get into detail now. But of what worth would it be?
If this whole blog is about me being untrue.
I am untrue to almost everyone and everything right now. Because I’ve lost my inner self. In a world of fancy golden bathrooms, and posed online pictures. It’s not me, but I chose to play along with you.
And not just to play- I started competing, to show you that I can do all those amazing things too.
Yes, I can be an artist too. Yes, I can be a model too. Yes, I can also run a business. And spend way more money than I actually have. Yes, I can drive my car much faster than yours.
But at the end of the day, I am attached to all the things in the world and society that are untrue and only driven towards the fame, the money and being on top of the game.
But what else do me and you have to offer? Besides a shrunken spirit and a limited clue of what positive change really is.
I’m not fully this person I act out to be. And so I take it all with laughter behind the scenes and recognize what has taken place whit in myself. And it is: social conditioning.
I’ve been conditioned, just like my hair.
And I condition the tab water that would otherwise kill my little fishes. I got conditioned by society to function and act in a certain way to maintain this attitude of being high class/trash. I am moving towards an image of mainstream and pop culture that moves from one kiss ass gig to the next. It’s all the same fame.
“Everything is fine”
But again, in the end…when the dance sound turns down, the candle light drowns and you realize that every cartoon is just some form of a clown…and every other day will be surrounded by the same. The same type of attitude and ambitions and ways of connecting with each other. It’s all so on the surface. We are on the surface. But I don’t really even know what is underneath our surface or even my own surface.
If you scratch to deep, it’s only going to hurt. And if you ask me, I somehow know what is underneath my surface.
It’s all just empty space or name it simply just emptiness.
Trained emptiness in order to create a hard surface.
It’s funny but just now I was about to blame the most loved people in my life for creating this emptiness inside me.
Of course I am the creator of my own being and decide what I want to fill my inner self with. But I learned by watching and listening to people that had their mouths very close to my heart….my heart (the emptiness)
I’ve listened to you, for hours in the car. We were driving I remember, we were driving very far.
You told me precisely, that I am too sensitive for this world. Too sensitive to people that are acting normal and not against my faith.
At first I thought, well I might be too sensitive- but you are too cold.
But as I was caught up in my own emotional world trying to suppress your insensitivity towards me…I realized that I can awaken my automated system that filters any bad information with a fake ego being. A pretender and a poser.
I starred out of the window and started to take on an acting role. Suppress tears. Swallow. Don’t care.
Put on the fake face. And just be “normal”.
Man, I have so always wanted to be normal. Ha ha. And now I laugh like it like no other can, I think.
I remember my Austrian high school days…where everyone was so fucking normal and had such a 0815 life to a point that it literately made me sick. I was a freak. I mean common, one day I wore heart- shaped, glittery alien feelers to class and I really thought they were the coolest thing. Love man!
But after I had grown up all my life being the different one, the “American” one- yet the foreigner. The weirdo family one. The crazy life story one…I really really really had the urge to just be god damn normal.
I pretended back than and acted back than in every way that I could to just be normal, in order to be accepted by this boring old town of gossip, traditional folks. I mean common, they even have a ‘krampus” that comes jumping out of the bushes to spank bad kids.
Being normal though, made me into a very bad kid.
Being accepted by the normal ones, I still chose to join the “cooler” ones.
Now, it’s not anymore so cool. Because I had put half of my life time into practicing social intoxicating and experiments with the brain.
I’ve lived a life of pretty much every drug.
And the funny thing is, drugs are everywhere all the time. We still need them just to say “hi” to each other…um wait, let me smoke this spliff…um yeah would you like some wine?
Our lives are controlled by drugs. And drugs cost money. So there are two choices you can make in this world…do you want to work corporate or do you want to be a drug dealer?
And both have it’s own world.
Most people don’t really know, but both worlds feed each other.
We spend all our money and life away to some sort of substance that can make us high. Make us feel different from what we experience inside of ourselves.
Discomfort. Back pain. You name it.
The problems are here the minute we wake up. Or we might not even be able to sleep.
But for every illness there is a cure.
————
I sometimes feel ashamed. To my inner mirror and to this old obligation of young self. Who I used to be, and who I miss. It’s just this kid I used to be.
And we all remember and all agree “that the child hood is the best time in life”. (excluding all childhood victims)
It’s funny. I broke my own promise. I can’t even get more unreal. But when I was about 13, I told myself, yet begged myself to always remember how I feel as a kid. And how I think as a kid compared to the grown ups. And I told myself that I must at all times remember the way of thought of a child.
I forgot. And I really miss this little Anna of me. She used to be so sweet.
I forgot…how to be worry-free.
I miss this true being of myself. I was so fearless. And so fun.
As grown up, it somehow stopped being fun. Because it’s so hard to just connect and relax and go play.
Grown ups play differently. They have sex.
So that is kind of all in the way, to absolutely connect and relax….because we kind of fear the love.
Or the potential of love.
Or the non potential of love.
Or the competition among like gendered people.
Also, did I notice…that I didn’t really know the love either when I was a kid.
I just loved being alive.
—————-
People ask me over and over about my private intimate life.
It’s almost one of the first things they want to know about me. In order to judge me easier.
My privacy feels invaded. Whenever this question comes up. I don’t want to having to exist with having to be with or without someone.
It leaves no room to just be yourself.
It’s like a drug.
You need another half to stimulate your own.
This whole couple concept. Or swinger style stuff.
Is getting for me all the way over the top of understanding.
So socially trained we are. The soul mate concept.
And everyone’s seems to just be waiting on this miracle to happen.
I feel in distance. I have a confession.
I’m asexual.
That’s what I told the law enforcement crew…and they threw me into a mental cell.
Honestly, I would love to lay in your arms.
But that is about it.
I love almost everyone and everything. But I am just not so into that hungry human thing.
——————-
my mind is where else. My mind mainly is focused on creating it’s own puzzles to solve. I play games with myself in my own head and that is why I often fail to fully listen to someone that is trying to explain me Reaganomics.
My games are random thought questions I have to humanity and universal possibilities.
Today, I was lying with my upper body on the ground with my legs against and up the wall. It felt like a reversed position and I was staring up into the room from a different perspective.
I wondered if I could train my brain to walk against gravity and walk up the wall sideways just like a spider man could do. I really wanted to trick my brain into synchronizing a regular body “stand up” movement from the ground walking up the wall.
It was very hard to just imagine how you would have to play the body in order to just stand up like this.
It’s like your mind thinks it’s impossible and hinders you even remember how a “normal” human stands up. Something that is so automatic and easy to do from the ground, is impossible for our mind to imagine doing such activity against gravity.
I realized that fear was the main factor that hindered me from even allowing myself trying to step up the wall.
Currently I am really wondering about the mind’s capacity. “Everything is possible”. I love this philosophy. But some things that are proven by science to be impossible, are they still possible if you remember the “how to” or you can somehow break a universal law?
I would really like to walk around my entire room. And not just on one side. On the floor. Are we finally going to involve to a point that we can fly? Or at least trick gravity so we can walk around like a real hamster going in a circle?
Common! it would be so fun.
Give me one last chance: TO SUCCEED. TO BELIEVE. TO BE REAL.
